a story from "It Ate My Sister"

by Mark Binder 

Episode 3 - "Snakes on a platter"

My mom told her sister about the great snake tableau, and Aunt Dorothy told her son. So naturally, Adam brought his new snake over for Thanksgiving.

My cousin, Adam Seigal is one of my best friends, but even though we live in the same town and go to the same school, it sometimes seems like we never get together. We'd been looking forward to the long weekend for months.

When Adam showed up at the door with a boa constrictor draped over his shoulders, I pretty much shouted, "NO WAY!"

Adam grinned like a beaver with glasses. He nodded. "Yessah!"

"Ellen, come here," I yelled. "You've gotta see this."

She was in the kitchen in the middle of basting the turkey. She came into the front hall in her apron, saw the snake and squirted turkey juice all over the wall. Her face was dead white pale as she ran up the stairs.

Adam and I burst into laughter.

"That was so mean," Aunt Dorothy said, struggling in the front door with a box full of pies. "Adam, I told you that you had to put that thing away and not tease Ellen with it."

"I didn't tease her," Adam said.

"I didn't mean to," I said. "I just thought she should know about it..."

Aunt Dorothy didn't buy it for a second. "Put the snake away and start cleaning the walls." 

Still giggling, we brought Adam's snake, which he called Crusher down to the basement and put him in the heated aquarium with King Henry the Eighth. After making sure that the two crowded snakes wouldn't eat each other, (which we were kind of hoping they would at least try) we grabbed sponges and warm soapy water and started our chore.

It's not easy getting turkey grease off a clean white wall. By the time we were done to my mother's satisfaction, it was dinnertime.

As was our tradition, we sat around the table and said what we were thankful for.

"I'm thankful I have legs," Adam said.

"I'm thankful I have warm blood," I said.

"I'm thankful I don't have a gun," Ellen said, "because I'd shoot you both!"

"Ellen…" Mom warned. "Say something nice."

She muttered something about being thankful for a nice dinner.

When it was my father's turn, he looked around the table with a broad smile and said, "I'm thankful that we're all here today, and that some of us will be going to Africa soon."

Adam's head shot up and his eyes darted from my Dad to his Dad. Uncle Peter, Adam's father, was a Colonel in the army, and Adam had been moving around the world all his life.

Uncle Peter shook his head. "No. Not us. Not that I know of."

"Mom?" Adam asked. "What?"

"I don't know anything about this either," Aunt Dorothy said.

"Tell them already," my mother said to my father.

Dad's smile got even wider. "Kids, we're going to Africa."

"No way!" I gasped.

"When?" Ellen said.

"Winter vacation," Dad said. "In fact, we're pulling you guys out of school two days early because we got a great rate on a flight."

Ellen's face dropped like a rock, and I knew why. She'd been dying to ask my parents if she could go on a ski vacation with her friend Ashley. Ashley's family had a chalet in Vermont, and Ashley also had an older brother that Ellen was sweet on.

"This is so awesome!" I said, punching Adam in the shoulder.

"Absolutely," Adam said, punching me back.

"Do we have to go?" Ellen said.

"Yes," my mother said. "We have to go. This is a great opportunity for us to see the world and spend some time together as a family."

"I can't believe this!" Ellen burst into tears and ran from the table.

"Well," Dad said, "That went rather poorly."

We all finished thankfulness, blessed the food and dug in. Eventually, Mom went upstairs to Ellen's room and talked her down. Her face was red and puffy. Adam and I were careful to avoid eye contact with her.

The meal was magnificent. I love everything having to do with Thanksgiving from the turkey and stuffing to the gravy and even the canned cranberry sauce.

After dinner and before dessert we have another family tradition -- nap time. Nobody cleans up. We leave all the dishes for later and everybody pretty much rolls away from the table and finds a quiet place to bunk down for an hour. Sometimes the guys doze in front of the television, pretending to watch the games. Ellen had offered Aunt Dorothy and Uncle Peter her bed. Adam and I went up to my room and lay on the floor in sleeping bags like we were camping out. We talked for a while and were just snoozing off when once again the screaming began.

I don't know if you've ever been woken from a nap by a series of piercing shrieks, but it sets your heart racing like an alarm bell clanging inside your chest.

Adam and I were on our feet and out my bedroom door and down the stairs before we were fully conscious.

Later on, I realized that horror films have at least one element of truth in them. You know the scenes where you watch as the poor idiot is going down the hall and about to open the door that you know the horrible monster is behind. You're sitting in your seat squirming and thinking, "Don't do it!" And later on you can't believe that anybody would be so dumb to keep going knowing that there was evil just around the corner...

We were listening to this horrible noise and didn't stop to think. 

The screaming got louder and louder as we pounded down the stairs to the basement and banged through the cellar door.

The only light in on the underground room came from a weak bulb on the ceiling. It was hard to see. There was a shape. A writhing, moving thing. A person. A screaming shrieking girl.

It was Ellen, she was covered in snakes. Dozens of little snakes, some of them three inches, some of them nearly a foot long were squirming all over her body, wriggling on her shoulders, twisting through her hair. She was trying to pull them off and throw them on the ground, but every time she dropped one, another one appeared.

"What the heck is going on?" my father's voice came from behind us.

"The snakes have given birth!" Adam said.

"Are they dangerous?" my mother and Aunt Dorothy asked simultaneously.

"No," said Adam and I (also simultaneously).

"Help me!" Ellen gasped.

The two of us rushed forward and began plucking the baby reptiles off my sister and dropping them back into the aquarium.

As soon as she was clean, Ellen fell, sobbing into my mother's arms.

She explained that she was just trying to face her fears. She'd actually picked up both snakes and was looking at them, when all of a sudden snakes started shooting out everywhere. It seemed like the whole room was full of snakes.

Mom took her upstairs and promised her the first slice of pecan pie.

Aunt Dorothy looked like she wanted to berate us for teasing Ellen but it was so blatantly clear that we had nothing to do with it, all she could do is demand that we check the room for any missing snakes, turn on her heel and head upstairs to comfort my sister.

Dad and Uncle Peter had their hands over their mouths, and as soon as all the women were gone, we all cracked up.

"I thought snakes laid eggs," Uncle Peter said.

"Not all of them," I explained. "We're studying snakes in school. Some of them give birth to live babies. Obviously both garter snakes and boas do."

"Boys," Dad said, trying to control himself. "This has to stop. We can't keep traumatizing your sister like this."

"It wasn't our fault," Adam and I said together."

"I agree," Uncle Peter giggled. "Ellen did it to herself. Still, we have to give her credit for trying."

The grown-ups went upstairs, and left the two of us to get on our hands and knees looking for missing infant snakes.

By the time we were done, we counted twenty-three tiny garter snakes and twelve baby boas.

"Whoa, that's a lot of snakes!" Adam said. "I knew Crusher was a girl, but I didn't know she was pregnant!"

"Yeah," I agreed. "Next week in school, we're going to have to give King Henry a new name."

"Hey," Adam's eyes lit up. "You think your sister would like a snake for a birthday present?"

It took us a long time before we stopped laughing enough to go upstairs for dessert. By then, Ellen was upstairs in her room. Probably in bed with the covers pulled up over her head.

Next Episode: Africa